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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

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A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

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Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

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A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

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Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

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I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

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No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

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Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

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They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

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Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

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Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

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Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

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Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

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Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

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The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

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I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

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I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

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What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

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Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

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Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

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